Well, this took me a while to get to. But what better day than today to wrap up season 1 of this wonderfully pointless endeavor? On to the two-hour second part of this season finale. Giddy up.

What better way to start this one off than with this irrational bitch. She’s freaking out about God knows what and she wants a gun. Um. No, crazy bitch.

Over at The Black Rock, Jack, Kate and Locke go in to get the boom sticks. Why exactly did Hurley tag along on this journey? They never quite give a reason for his goofy ass to come along…

Hey look. Dead slaves. Turns out The Black Rock was a slave trade ship. Well, that makes sense. Right?

This a pretty funny exchange where Artz is bitching about the fact that no one cares about “the rest of us” AKA “not the main cast.” Yep. You’re right.

Oh BTW, Artz blew up. You can see bits of him flying in this shot. Boom goes the dynamite.

And this shot is why they brought Hurley along on this trip.

Ok flashback time. Jin runs into this motherfucker in the bathroom and he speaks perfect Korean. Sure, why not. He tells Jin not to do something or the other or they will do this and that to him. Ok. Let’s move on.

So, this is happening.

But then this happens.

And then they’re all like this.

So Hurley is blaming himself for Artz going boom-boom. Kate assures him it isn’t his fault and that he has nice biceps.

Locke and Jack decide they still wanna take this fucking dynamite out. And the following exchange ensues:

LOCKE: I’m removing the driest pieces to minimize our risk transporting it. [He reaches for another stick.] You ever play “Operation”?
JACK: Sure. Don’t touch the sides.
LOCKE: I — I always got nailed on the funny bone. [He picks up a stick.] Bzzzt!
JACK: [flinching] You like to play games, John?
LOCKE: Absolutely.

Yea, so this is happening.

And Claire sees these…

So then this. Frenchy took the baybay!

And Charlie punches Sayid for not giving him a gun!

Yea, wrong guy to punch, dickweed.

Dude… you got some… Artz on you.

Back on the raft Sawyer is reading people’s bottle messages. Walt objects.
Who the hell is Hugo and how does he have 160 million dollars?!?

Get Aaron back, she says. Oh, It has a name now. Hurray.

Fucking Kate insists on carrying dynamite. Why? Who knows? Because she’s Kate and she can be a huge cunt sometimes. Anyway, Locke and Kate have the dynamite… or so says Jack.

Oh look, Sayid and Charlie found the plane. There’s a shit-ton of heroin in it! This should end well for the recovering addict.

What do you think is inside the hatch? Hurley hopes for twinkies. Locke hopes for … hope.

Oh yea, this bird flies by and yells something that sounds like “Hurley!”

aaaaaaand TO BE CONTINUED…

Look at that! We’re continuing right here!

Yea, so, uh… some smoke just kinda… like… flew right by us.

Hold on, guys. I’m gonna go talk to this smoke.

Oh shit! That smoke snatched Mr. Locke. Bye bye.

Gotcha, bitch. Um, so yea. Locke asks Jack to let him go and swears he’ll be just fine. So here’s my question… knowing what we know about how Locke becomes the smoke monster, and assuming The Man In Black was planning on using Locke all along, was the plan here to kill Locke, take his body and speed up the ploy to kill Jacob? (No, because that shit wasn’t written during season 1… but whatever. Fun to think that way)

Jackface.

Aww. Jinbo gives Mike that fucking watch he beat him up for. So nice.

Here’s this. Because why not?

And then rocks fell. Fucking french bitch is setting traps!

And Charlie is seven kinds of fucked up.

No big deal though because Sayid is gonna put gunpowder in that wound…

And fucking blow that shit up! Fuck me in the goat ass! Ouch. Fucking ouch. Ugh.

Alright. We need some levity after that horrific shit… so here’s Hurley being late for a flight.

The elevator is full… with Charlie!

And the car broke down…

And the plane is boarding and he has to buy two tickets because he’s fat…

And he’s sweaty and running…

And he buys a scooter thingy from an old man…

And he made it! Barely. All of this is funny because he’s fat.

Not pictured: He ran by a bunch of soccer players who were wearing uniform numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

Oh and it’s gate number 23.

After that bit of levity… back to seriousness. Jack vs. Locke. Man of Science vs. Man of Faith. Here ya go.

JACK: I don’t believe in Destiny.
LOCKE: Yes you do. You just don’t know it yet.

Pretty awesome.

And then we get this flashback. Locke being carried onto the plane. The contrast between this pathetic figure and the empowered, confident Locke is one of the neatest aspects of the early seasons.

Back on the raft, Michael questions Sawyer’s motivation for going on the raft. He asks if he’s a hero or he wants to die… “well I ain’t no hero…” Dag yo. Aaaaand they start hearing a beep from the sonar that Sayid crafted. Yay! (nope)

Soooo… turns out this psycho just wanted to trade Aaron for Alex, her daughter that was kidnapped years ago. Alrighty then. Let’s go ahead and give the baby back, you loon.

Jack-O, after getting yelled at for switching the backpacks, tells Kate he needs her to have his back because as he puts it, if they survive that night they’re going to have a Locke problem.

Oh shit. The numbers are on the hatch and Hurley saw them…

Pretty much.

But Locke makes it go boom anyway.

Oh shit a boat! They’re saved! The show is gonna end soon! And it will have a happy ending!

Um. Not quite. “We’re gonna have to take the boy…” WAT DA FAK! The shit proceeds to hit the fan as Sawyer shoots. They shoot. The raft gets blown up. And WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT is taken. Well… that didn’t go as planned, now did it guys?

Ok now cue the season-ending montage…

Here’s the most important part of it (besides the very end)… Charlie took some drugs with him. But here’s the full video anyway…

And of course we close out the season with this iconic shot…

And here’s this… for laughs:

Well… that’s all she wrote for season 1! Took me about a year to get through the first season. It will probably take me way longer as I move on. I have to re-evaluate if I want to keep doing this or at least if I want to keep this format. It has been fun, but tedious at times. I hope someone out there, anyone, got a kick out of this. If not, oh well. It was good therapy at times. I’ll continue to watch these episodes. Will I blog about all of them? Probably not. But rest assured, you haven’t heard the last of me or this blog. It’s just the beginning of The End.

Until next time, Namaste, fuckers!

Well, it’s here. The two-part (really three-part) season 1 finale. It only took me about 10 months to get through the first season. But alas, here it is. Since this is the finale, I’m gonna give it grand treatment. I’ve borrowed content from such great websites as The Island Isn’t Done With You Yet and Lost In Comics. Anyshit, here goes nothing!

Stellar way to start things off. Walt and Michael. For a second I thought this was going to be a Walt/Mike episode, but it’s an everyone episode! Yay!

This about sums up what is going on with these two: Walt is an asshole, and Mike sucks too.

Back on The Island, Walt goes for a piss and runs into Danielle Rousseau! Yay for stalking little boys…

I mean Aaron, of course. Rousseau would never stalk Walt while he takes a leak. That would be strange.

Oh yea. By the way… THE OTHERS ARE COMING… BAM!

This crazy broad tells everyone that The Others started some black smoke and that signifies they’re coming. Ok, then. Everyone is fucked. You have three choices, she says. “Run. Hide. Or die.” WELL THEN! Those seem like fun!

Hey it’s time to launch the raft! Everybody on three! 1…2.. FAIL! Some shit broke. The launch will have to be delayed a smidge.

Hey yo what’s that?!?

It’s a camera ready to snap this bitching shot of the main cast.

Oh, you mean that. Yea, that’s that evil black smoke the French lady was talking about. You’re all pretty much fucked.

Oh yea, by the way… we found this fucking thing in the ground. We have no idea what’s in it, but we figure if we can get in, we can hide from The Others. Sooooo you got some boom sticks so we can crack this puppy open?

Of course! They’re neatly tucked away in The Black Rock, which is in The Dark Territory. I promise it’s a lot of fun. A BLAST if you will.

Hey look, it’s Ana Lucia! So glad to have her join the show! I’m sure she will be a delight! Also, she’s in the back of the plane. Seat 42. Jack is seat 23. Get it? 4 8 15 16 23 42. Ok.

Yep. That’s how we all feel about Ana Lucia being here.

Hey Sawyer got arrested again in Sidney. For shame. He is being deported. What are the odds that he’s taking Oceanic 815 to LA?

Nailed it!

SAWYER: Jack. — About a week before we all got on the plane, I got to talking to this man in a bar in Sydney. He was American, too. A doctor. I’ve been on some benders in my time, but this guy — he was going for an all time record. So, it turns out this guy has a son. His son’s a doctor, too. They had some kind of big time falling out. The guy knew it was his fault, even though his son was back in the States thinking the same damn thing. See, kids are like dogs, you knock them around enough they’ll think they did something to deserve it. Anyway, there’s a pay phone in this bar. And this guy, Christian, tells me he wishes he had the stones to pick up the phone, call his kid, tell him he’s sorry, that he’s a better doctor than he’ll ever be — he’s proud, and he loves him. I had to take off, but — something tells me he never got around to making that call. Small world, huh?

That’s pretty cool. Good ole Sawyer. The con-man with the heart of gold.

Back to a flashback! The Marshall tells the story of how Kate got a hold of the little plane. Sad stuff. Ok let’s move on!

Kate wants to tag along on the trip to The Black Rock. Duh.

I’ll send an SOS to the world! Message in a booootttlleeee!

Here’s our merry band of dynamite hunters! Soon Artz will run away because Rousseau tells the story of how Montague lost his arm. Fun times!

And he’s back! And he brought the smoke monster with him! Run bitches, run!

Like, WTF guys? Oh, it’s a security system. Thanks Rousseau!

This is kinda cute. Walt gives Vincent to Shannon so she can take care of him while he’s gone. He also says Vincent will take care of her and she can talk to him about Boone.

Fuck yeah, Vincent! He’s my favorite character in the whole show. Not even kidding.

So as if we needed reaffirmation on how much of a bitch Shannon is/was, she tells the police that an arab man (Sayid) left his bag unattended. She does this to somehow prove that she can take care of herself. Ok. 

Oh yea, that’s a big fucking ship in the middle of the jungle. No biggie. Move along. Welcome to The Black Rock motherfuckers. For dynamite sticks, inquire within.

Ok, so Sun made Jin a version of Rosetta Stone. How nice.

And Jin finally ceases to be a douche! He is sorry. He is sad. He wants to save Sun. He feels he is being punished for how he made her suffer. Sad stuff, really. Jin is cool.

Time to launch the raft! This is another one of those moments where the score tells the whole story. Here, enjoy:

A few observations on how fucking brilliant that is:
Sun/Mike… a lot of drama between them and Jin. All buried.
Sawyer looking around, presumably for Kate.
Vincent running into the water after the raft. This made me choke up a bit. Dogs are so fucking great.
And as the music crescendos, the camera pans out to show the raft in a wide scope. Perfect.

With all that… they throw in an ominous shot of the black smoke off in the distance. And bam. End of Exodus Part 1. Pretty fucking great.

Oh… here’s something I found online. Pretty cool.

And here’s the second of two very lack-luster episodes. This is what’s called powering through. And this will take some serious power because it’s a much-dreaded Kate episode. Waaa.

We start with a flashback and it’s blonde Kate! And she’s getting naked. Well, she’s good for certain things, I suppose.

Airplane!

Hey, look! It’s Artz. Fucking annoying bastard. He does have a dynamic personality (rimshot please!)

Kate is trying to get on the raft. She claims she knows how to sail. All these people have such a diverse set of skills. Truly amazing.
Sun doesn’t want Jin to go on the raft. :(
Jin doesn’t care. :( :(

And kaboom. Jack is shown the hatch. This should be fun.

Sawyer got wind that Kate is lobbying to get on that raft. He knows exactly the game she’s playing. She is trying to run… “If I want your spot, I’ll get your spot,” says Kate. Well then. The game is afoot.

Oh look, Mike is sick. who gives a shit? He’s an asshole.

Back at the hatch these three are having a good old fashioned dick measuring contest. Jack is pissed no one told him about the hatch. Locke doesn’t think he has to tell Jack everything.

And Sayid is just sleepy.

But he fought through. Stayed awake long enough to make the good point that if a hatch has no handle or no way to be opened, maybe it should never be opened from the outside… This would have been a good time for Locke to mentioned that he saw a fucking light inside the hatch.

Who framed Roger Rabbit?!? Or who poisoned Michael?!? Jack realizes there’s something in the water… hmmm. Whodunnit?

Jack accuses Kate. And there were many :(

Oh yea, the flashbacks. Well basically Kate went to visit an old friend. They dug up this box. The little plane was in it. She asked him to help her see her mother who was in the hospital the guy worked in. Got it? Good.

Back on The Island, Creeper Walt tells Locke not to open the hatch. WTF. How does this bastard know? We’ll never know…

At the beach, Michael thinks Sawyer poisoned him. Sawyer calls out Kate for having someone else’s passport. He puts her on blast in front of the whole camp and she confesses to everyone that she is a fugitive. She claims innocence. And also claims she didn’t poison Mike. Fuck this is a shitty episode.

Here’s this.

Fastforwarding a bit here because this is uninteresting. Kate’s mom saw her and yelled. She ran. Got in her friend’s car. The cops chased her and…

Death.

Jack realizes it was Sun who poisoned Mike. She meant to get Jin sick so he didn’t go on the raft. However, now everyone is healthy again and this entire episode was worthless.

We end with a few sappy scenes of Walt telling Mike he burned the raft. Sawyer telling Kate he had no option because she cornered him. Sun telling Kate that she thought once she met the man she loved, she would be happy forever. Kate thought so too. The end.

Ok. Got through that. Why do I do this to myself? I have problems letting things go. FML. Anyshit! I will fix this with the next blog post! It’s a double episode! It’s the season finale! Yay! Exodus! Rejoice! Woot! Until then, Namaste!

I’m back! And so are you! Well done. I commend you for sticking to your convictions and continuing to come back to this shitty blog. I will reward your commitment with not one, but TWO, fantastic posts covering not one but TWO not-so-fantastic episodes.

Welp. Here goes nothing!

Oh. Before I forget. I wanted to post this at the end of the last post, but I didn’t wanna ruin the gravitas. Here’s a recent twitter exchange between producer Damon Lindelof and Ian Somerhalder (Boone):

Funny.

Anyshit, on to this episode!

Right away we get Shannon mourning Boone. Sayid tries to comfort her by telling her that Boone refused antibiotics so he wouldn’t use them up. He died a hero. She’s having none of it.

In this flashback we find out that the CIA has contacted Sayid and asked him to infiltrate a terrorist cell. They bribe him with the location of Nadia, who he has long been searching for. They tell him the cell is in Australia. So now we know how he got there.

Since the season is almost over, let’s recap how everyone got to Australia:
Jack: looking for his father
Sawyer: looking to kill the real Sawyer
Kate: running from the law
Charlie: visiting his brother
Claire: lived there
Locke: went on a walkabout
Boone and Shannon: Shannon was there with a boyfriend and Boone went to rescue her
Hurley: looking for the meaning of the numbers
Mike: went to get Walt after Walt’s mother died
Jin and Sun: Jin was handling business for Sun’s father

During Boone’s burial, Locke shows up covered in blood and tells everyone it’s his fault Boone dies. He tells them the truth… sort of. He goes on to say Boone died a hero.

And Jack goes bonkers.

Like batshit crazy. He wants to know where the hell Locke went after he brought Boone in.

Jack says that Locke is hiding something. Sayid puts on his “I’m on it” face.

In a shitty developing story, Claire is refusing any help with the baby. Charlie, who calls the baby Turniphead, eventually talks her into letting him take care of DA BABAY!

Locke apologizes to Shannon. “There’s a storm coming,” he says. You have noooo idea, Mr. Locke.

Remember how Shannon was a bitch? Well, she still is. “John Locke killed my brother. Will you do something about that?” she asks Sayid.

Jack is all sorts of fucked up. He hasn’t slept. Kate refuses to leave him alone… shocking I know.

So much so that she slipped something into his drink to knock him out. Roofies, I guess.

Sayid and Locke go into the jungle after Sayid asks about the plane radio that Boone was trying to use. “I know when I’m being lied to. There’s a plane,” Sayid says.

Back on the beach the baby wont shut the fuck up. He takes after his mother. Anyshit, Hurley tries to calm him down by singing “I Feel Good” and dancing. This doesn’t work. The baby just wants to kill itself now. Too much jiggling.

After finding the plane. These two start bickering about trust, which leads Locke to one of the big reveals of the season: He tells Sayid that he was the one that knocked him out way back when they were trying to find the French woman’s signal.

Natural reaction. But Locke makes a good point that the message said something about “it killed them all” and that’s not a place anyone should be going to. Sayid eventually calms down and they share some tea.(no they dont)

I guess finding out the truth wasn’t was this crazy bitch wanted. She gets her panties in a bunch because Sayid didn’t kill Locke. Psycho.

When Jack wakes up he realizes the key to the guns is gone from his neck. Naturally, he thinks Locke took them. 

Nope.

I guess I’ll touch on what happens in this flashback. Sayid infiltrates the cell using his old college roommate. Turns out the dude is supposed to be a martyr and blow some shit up. Sayid agrees to help him but right before they’re supposed to go, he tells him he’s working for the CIA. The guy kills himself. And there was much rejoicing. Yay!

WAAAAAAAAAAA! WAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAA! That’s what I gathered. Oh and she’s holding Locke at gunpoint.

Sayid makes the save and the bullet barely scrapes John’s head. Good thing he didn’t die. That would have thrown a big wrench into The Man In Black’s plans. Or maybe there’s a reason the bullet didn’t hit him……

Back in flashback world, Sayid asks that his flight be changed to the next day so he can claim the body of his dead friend. Welp. That was a mistake.

“Take me to the hatch. No more lies.”

And that’s it! Not one of my favorite episodes. And neither is the next one… sooo… yea.

Look at that, it’s another one of my pointless posts that no one reads. Woo. Hoo.

Almost done with season 1. Who’d have thunk it? Got two more after this one before the epic season 1 finale. Stay tuned! Anyshit, onward with one of the most emotional episodes of the entire series!

Yep. It’s this episode. Life and Death. I had to brace myself before this one because I obviously knew what was in store for me.

Yeah, Ole Boone is pretty messed up.

According to Jack his lung collapsed and he tries to fix it by jamming something into his chest. Ouch.

Back off The Island we find out that Jack-O is getting married. This weirdo is his best man.

In typical Jack fashion he promises Boone that he is going to fix this. Not so sure about that one, Doc.

Not only is Jack getting married, he’s getting married to Claire Dunfy from Modern Family! Love her. She tells the story of how she was in a horrible car accident and was paralyzed. Jack fixed her. Now they’re in love and getting married.

Back on The Island, shit is going just fine with Boone on the doorstep of death, so Claire decides to complicate things by going into labor. Shit, meet Fan. Fan, Shit.

Wondering where Shannon is as her brother slowly and painfully fades into oblivion? Well she’s on a picnic with Sayid who is one smooth motherfucker.

In another flashback we learn that Jack and Sarah have agreed to write their own vows. Jack is struggling with this one. Go figure.

Can’t write his own vows but he fucking hooked himself up to Boone with some plastic tubing, a needle from a sea urchin and some tape. Yep. Writing is harder.

Back to our budding romance that is about to be jacked up (no pun intended) by the death of a brother. Sayid drops a sweet line on Shannon about not having any expectations. “No expectations,” he says. “Hopes, but not expectations.” BAM.

Jack still can’t write his vows so he goes to a pool with some booze. Daddy shows up and tells Jack “Commitment is what makes you tic. The problem is you’re just not good at letting go.” Pretty much.

Jack decides he has to amputate Boone’s leg. As he tells it, the leg is so messed up that all the blood is going there. If they don’t cut the leg off, the rest of his body won’t be able to survive with so little blood. Or something like that. Sun says he can’t do it, but Jack responds with “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” Oh, Lost writers. You are the cleverest.

Meanwhile, Jack gave Charlie instructions on how to deliver a baby. He told Kate how to do it, and naturally, she is doing it. Claire is being a whinny bitch about it (I know, I know, labor is a bitch… but so is Claire).

Flashback to the wedding and it’s Jack’s turn to say his vows.

JACK: I didn’t write any vows. I’ve been trying to for a month, but I couldn’t. So I started to wonder why that was. And as time went on it only got worse — because I’m, because I’m not good at letting go. Or maybe I’m afraid of what’ll happen if I fail. But I know one thing. I would’ve never been able to write anything as beautiful as what you just said. And last night, Sarah, when you were talking about the accident — you got it all wrong. I didn’t fix you. You fixed me. I love you, Sarah, and I always will.

Well… sometimes it’s very hard to live up to your words. Good luck living up to that one, Jack. Regardless, well said.

Now back to the macabre! Just as Jack is about to amputate Boone’s leg with a fucking cargo door, Boone comes to and tells him to stop. “I know you made a promise. I’m letting you off the hook. Let me go, Jack,” Boone says.
Back in the middle of the jungle baby Aaron is born! We have life!

And death. :(

I’ll let the video and music tell the story of what happens next because there are no words that can do it justice. To this day this scene gives me goosebumps and makes my eyes swell up a bit.

Fuuuuuuck. That right there is Lost at its absolute fucking best. Holy crap. They bring you in with the baby. Make you smile. Then you see Shannon and it hits you. She breaks down. You break down. Then they wake you up by slapping you upside the head with the fact that Jack is aware that Locke wasn’t telling the truth about how Boone got hurt and he’s going after Locke. Joy. Sadness. Excitement. All in a tidy three minutes and thirtynine seconds. Eat shit, every other TV show. You can’t touch this.

Anyshit, that is that for this awesome episode. Hope you (no one ) enjoyed. And if that video didn’t give you chills, you’re dead inside.

Until next time, Namaste fuckers!

Welcome back, no one! It’s NFL Wildcard Weekend! So naturally, I’m skipping the football games and watching something much more entertaining and fulfilling!

Today we have another Locke episode, so you know we’re in store for something good. Before I get started, let’s go to ole reliable, Wikipedia, for an explanation on the title.

“The Latin phrase deus ex machina comes to English usage from Horace’s Ars Poetica, where he instructs poets that they must never resort to a god from the machine to solve their plots.”

In this case Locke is our poet, The Island is the god, and the opening the hatch is his poem. Bam.

Anyshit, here we go.

We start with a flashback where Locke, working as assistant manager at a toy store, first encounters his crazy mother.

Here’s the crazy bitch now.

Back on The Island Locke has built a trebuchet to try to open the hatch. How the hell he knows how to build that is beyond anyone’s comprehension. But hey, he’s Locke so who am I to doubt him?

The fucking thing obviously doesn’t work.

But it does do a fine job of impaling Locke’s leg with a bit of shrapnel. Success!
After getting impaled, Locke realizes he’s lost feeling in his legs… he later tells Boone that he was paralyzed and The Island healed him but is now trying to take it back. 

In another flashback, Crazy Bitch tells Locke that he was immaculately conceived, that he is special, that he is part of a design and that this is a sign of things to come. Well, most of that proves to be true…

In one of the weirder dream sequences in the entire show, Locke sees a plane crashing, a bloody Boone saying “Teresa falls down the stairs,” Crazy Bitch pointing, and himself in a wheelchair. Big time “what the fucking fuck?” moment.

Loser Locke hired a private dick to track down Crazy Bitch and find out if she’s really his mother. She is. He also tracked down his dad, but warns Locke that it will probably not have a happy ending. Foreshadowing is a cool storytelling device.

Locke and Boone find this handsome African “priest” up in a tree… Looking good.

After their first meeting, Locke goes back to visit Anthony Cooper to go hunting. Locke finds him hooked up to a dialysis machine, and Cooper tells him he wasn’t supposed to get there till 11. Locke thought he said 12… yea… The con is on. 

I guess I should touch on this side-story a bit. Sawyer has headaches. Jack is checking it out and asks him if he has had sex with a prostitute, if he has ever contracted an STD, and when his last outbreak was. Funny stuff since Jack already knew he just needs reading glasses. Bit of a pointless storyline, but funny nonetheless.

While hunting, Asshole calls Locke “son” just before telling him he doesn’t have much time to live if he doesn’t get a new kidney. Hook, line and sinker.

Yay the plane! Well… not for Boone, but yay Locke was right!

It just warms your hear to see a son give up his kidney for a loving father.

Sexy. Problem solved.

This won’t have a happy ending :(

Turns out the plane was filled with Virgin Marys filled with heroine. Nice little tie-in with the immaculate conception brought up earlier. These Virgin Marys were filled with heroine… the other Crazy Bitch who claimed to have had an immaculate conception is filled with something much more damaging.

After hearing some chatter on the plane’s radio, Boone tries to communicate, and the plane crashes to the ground, taking Boone down with it.

Sad face.

Locke wakes up from surgery and Anthony Cooper is gone.

Turns out Crazy Bitch is not that crazy. She just wanted money and helped Cooper con Locke into giving him his kidney.
EMILY (Crazy Bitch): Well, he said that was the only way you would give it to him. It had to be your idea. He told me where to find you. He, he asked me to go see you. I wanted to see you.

That’s what Sawyer says about a good con. You make the target think it’s their idea.

In a truly heart-wrenching scene that is accentuated with a painfully beautiful soundtrack from the infinitely brilliant Michael Giacchino, Locke tries to confront his father only to be denied. Moments like this set Lost aside from any other show. This is truly great television.

Here’s the music for your listening pleasure.

We close out the episode with this iconic image of the light in the hatch turning on.

Great stuff in this episode. It really adds to the plight of John Locke. For my money the most tragic character in television.

Well that wraps this one up. Hope you enjoyed. If you didn’t, I truly don’t care. Until next time, namaste, Fuckers!

Merry December 27 everybody! I wrote this thing weeks ago and forgot to publish it. What can I say, sometimes Christmas comes late! Anyshit, onward!

Yessir! The numbers are here! It’s a Hurley episode. About time.

Hurley’s communication issues with Jin are hilarious. “You want to make a snowball?”

They need to get batteries from Russeau! Time for a caper!

It’s DA NUMBERS!!!!!!!1one!

This is the face a fat guy makes when he wins the lottery.

This is Grandpa Tito. He died because Hurley won the lottery. Poor Grandpa Tito.

Now Locke is macking on Claire. Or asking for her help sawing some shit. All the same.

This image is funny to me. Maybe it was the music playing with it. 

Hurley tells his momma he thinks the money is cursed. She punches him for this because, they are good Catholic people.

You believe him now, bitch?

Hurley’s hired jew tells him he now owns a box company in Tustin (Where Locke works). Cool.

Back in the jungle Hurley has gone after Frenchie and has stepped on a trap. He’s told not to move but claims he’s “spry.”

He dives out of the way of this fun little gadget. The entire camp could have been fed had he been skewered.

In another flashback we see this crazy motherfucker was the one that kept saying the numbers. He freaks out when he finds out Hurley used them to win the lottery. Finish your game of connect four, yo.

Oh look, a sturdy bridge! Send the fat guy!

Yea right.

Hurley doesn’t like to be told he’s crazy. El que se pica es porque aji come…

After an encounter with Frenchie, Hurley sweet-talks his way through a mess and gets the batteries they needed. And there was much rejoicing. YAAAAY!

Hey look! Locke built a cradle for Claire…. aww!

Hurley wants to eat his shirt… or dry it until they find a laundromat. Hold tight buddy.

And we close the episode with this very ominous shot of the numbers on the hatch. Oh. Shit.

Well, this episode, while not great, did set up a few things that are gonna be key throughout the rest of the series. Obviously The Numbers, but also the fact that the hatch is somehow tied to those numbers, thus being important.

Good stuff.

Anyshit. I’m out! Until next time, namaste, fuckers!

Told you I’d be back soon! Got another one of my pointless blogs for no one to read. Enjoy!

It’s a Jin/Sun episode… yay! [/sarcasm]. Gotta tell ya, I’m kinda half-assing this one.

Ah another eye. Eye-land. JA!

We go to a flashback right away and are treated to this gigantic bag of shit. He’s probably the most hateable character in the entire series. What a douche. We find out that Jin works for Sun’s dad because:

MR. PAIK: Why would I give my daughter to a man who sells his own dreams so easily?
JIN: : Because — she is my dream. Sir.

Attaboy Jin-bo!

Oh snap! Sun in a bikini!

Jin, of course, disapproves.

But Michael was enjoying the show and sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong.

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP! That’s what you get.

Another flashback and we see Jin trying to get some at his wedding reception. Attaboy.

Back on The Island Sayid is trying to get some of his own from Shannon. And she seems to oblige:

SAYID: How does a woman like you learn to tie a perfect bowline knot?
SHANNON: By dating guys with sailboats?
SAYID: Since you bring it up. I’ve been worried since I first met you that you might end up being a spinster.
SHANNON: Spending my Saturday nights alone at home, tying knots?
SAYID: Perhaps with an overweight aunt? It’s a very sad image.
SHANNON: Maybe we should get some rope, spend a Saturday night alone together, and see what happens.

GET SOME!

Oh look at that, Mike’s raft is en fuego. Let’s play a quick game of Blame Jin! It’s all the rage!

In another flashback Mr. Kim sends Jin to “deliver a message” to some guy. The guy’s daughter is watching Hurley on tv. Eh?

In keeping with blaming Jin, Sawyer kicks him in the face because he messed up his ride off The Island. Don’t fuck with Sawyer.

Since he didn’t quite get what “deliver a message” meant, Mr. Kim sends a guy to kill this fucker. Jin decides to save his life by giving him a holy beatdown.

And that’s what happens…

Back to our game of choice. Now Mike is beating the god loving shit out of Jin…

Which prompts Sun to stop it by speaking the englishes!

And everyone is shocked…

And pissed…

But Locke knows it wasn’t Jin!

Cool.

We meet Jin’s dad. He isn’t dead like Jin has told everyone… he’s ashamed of his past.

Locke confronts Walt because he knows he burned the raft. Little fucker. Locke also tells him that his dad isn’t “cool.” You can say that again…

Jinbo wants to help build a raft! And we get some nice Damien Rice music to go along with it.

The music, of course, is coming from Hurley’s walkman. For the love of God. A walkman? Really? And it runs out of batteries… about time.

And that’s it! Pretty lack-luster episode with some cool moments like Locke’s speech.

Anyshit, that’s it! Hope to be back soon with another episode!

Greetings, salutations and other such pleasantries as well!

Been a while since my last post. 68 days to be exact. Last post was on September 22 when I wished this wonderful show a happy birthday and vowed to to watch an episode and write a blog that night. Well, that didn’t happen. I apologize for that. No I don’t. Screw you. I’ve been busy.

Anyshit, a quick update on yours truly: Still awesome.

I watched an episode the other day and took some notes. Here are my findings.

Episode opens with the all-too familiar close-up of an eye. Who’s eye? Young Sawyer’s eye; that’s whose. Fuck yea.

We quickly find out that young James was under the bed when he heard his poppa kill his momma and then watched as his old man shot himself. Solid way to kick-start your life as a misunderstood jerk.

After that wonderful murder-suicide flashback we find Sawyer in a tent getting robbed by a boar.

The boar steals his tent and half-nekked James proceeds to chase him into the jungle with some sort of blunt object. Can’t help but laugh at this nonsense.

In the jungle Sawyer hears whispers. I assume it’s dead boars whispering. Now Sawyer and Sayid have heard the whispers. They will soon become fast friends.

Sayid’s “you’re so fucking stupid” faces always make me laugh… Anyshit. James asks about the whispers, Sayid asks him what he heard, and Sawyer plays the tough guy role and gives him his usual “forget it.” Of note: When Sawyer tells Sayid the boar took his tent, Sayid offers the possibility that maybe the boar wanted to go camping. lol.

We get another flashback and this one includes none other than the T-1000 from Terminator 2! The T-1000, playing “Hibbs” in this episode, tells Sawyer he knows where the man that killed his parents is. He’s in Australia. Now we know how James go there.

Back on The Island, Jack and Kate have an exchange where Jack brings up the fact that Kate kissed Sawyer last time she tried to get something from him. I detect a hint of jealousy from Doc. Can’t say I blame him. Not many good looking ladies to go around in this jungle.

Back in Flashback Australia, Sawyer buys a gun from this legitimate-looking businessman who proceeds to tell him that there are no refunds. “When you point a gun at a man you find out what you’re really made of” he tells him. Yep. This will come into play.

On The Island Charlie and Hurley are burring Ethan’s body. Aside from giving us this utterly creepy shot, this serves as a vehicle to show us how fucked up in the head Charlie is after shooting Ethan… I refer you to the previous picture and what the man said.

Kate and Sawyer go off to find the thieving boar and stop for the night to play a game of “I never,” which is Sawyer’s version of “Never Have I Ever.” The following game/character-dynamic changing exchange ensues:

SAWYER: Alright, sassafras, but if you want to drink, you’ve got to play.
KATE: Play what?
SAWYER: I never.
KATE: What?
SAWYER: I never.
KATE: How am I supposed to know what that means?
SAWYER: Call it a way to get to know each other better. For example, I know you’ve never been to college.
KATE: And how do you know that?
SAWYER: If you had, you’d have heard about I never. It’s simple, you say “I never” and then you finish the sentence. If it’s something you did you drink, if it’s something you never did, you don’t drink.
KATE: That makes absolutely no sense.
SAWYER: Learn by example. I never kissed a man. Now you drink ‘cause you’ve kissed man. Your turn.
KATE: I never implied that I’ve been to college when I never have.
[Sawyer drinks.]
SAWYER: I never been to Disneyland.
[Kate doesn’t drink.]
SAWYER: Ah, that’s just sad.
KATE: I never wore pink.
[Sawyer drinks.]
KATE: I knew it.
SAWYER: The ‘80’s. I never voted democrat.
[Kate doesn’t drink.]
KATE: I never voted.
[Sawyer drinks.]
SAWYER: I’ve never been in love.
KATE: You’ve never been in love?
SAWYER: I ain’t drinking, am I?
[Kate drinks.]
KATE: I’ve never had a one night stand.
[Sawyer drinks.]
KATE: Bottoms up, sailor.
SAWYER: I’ve gotta drink for each one.
KATE: Your turn.
SAWYER: I’ve never been married.
[Kate drinks a small sip.]
KATE: It didn’t last very long. I never blamed a boar for all my problems.
[Sawyer drinks.]
SAWYER: I never cared about having carte blanche because I just wanted to spend some time with the only other person on this Island that just don’t belong.
[Kate drinks.]
KATE: I never carried a letter around for 20 years because I couldn’t get over my baggage.
[Sawyer drinks.]
SAWYER: I never killed a man.
[Kate drinks. Sawyer drinks.]
SAWYER: Well, looks like we got something in common, after all.

A few observations about this:
Powerful stuff. Very well-made scene.
How many tiny bottles of booze did Sawyer have? Grief.
Sawyer wore pink.

Yep. Good shit.

In the morning the boar has cleaned out Sawyer’s crap and Locke, munching on something and drenched in sweat, like he always seems to be, pops out of the jungle.

We then get an episode of “Story Time With The Bald Dude.” Locke tells our new-found best friends that for a while his mom thought a dog was her dead daughter. Cool.

We go back to flashback-world and Sawyer is boozing at a bar where he meets none other than Christian Sheppard… AKA Jack’s daddy-o. Christian tells him about his son, but never mentions him by name. He also cracks one his “That’s why the Sox will never win the series” comments. Fuck you, Lost. (This episode aired in February of ‘05. A few months after the Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years…)

Inspired by Christian, and a healthy amount of booze, Sawyer finds the man he was looking for and shoots him.

But it turns out that wasn’t actually the man he was looking for. The guy owed Hibbs (T-1000) money, and Hibbs conned James into killing him. Con Man got conned. Whoops… and now James knows what he’s made of.

Back on The Island, Sawyer forgives the boar and then meets up with Jack, who says the same line about the Red Sox, which leads Sawyer to put two and two together and realize he met Jack’s dad. He doesn’t tell Jack.

And that’s a wrap! Pretty good episode, which is usually the case with Sawyer eps. It progressed the love triangle between Jack, Kate and James. We find out what made James the way he is. We also see more of his human side. Good stuff.

Well… that’s it for me! I guess I’ll be back in another 2-3 months with another post! Hope it’s sooner. Until then, namaste, assholes!

Seven years ago today flight 815 crashed on The Island.

Here’s a bitchin’ fan-made video

In honor of this anniversary, I will be watching an episode tonight and writing a bloggy thing.